In the Malaysian property investor community, like any other community, there are lots of very nice people, but then you’ve got the people who would ruin it for everyone.
Given my work at GoodPlace I tend to encounter maybe a few more “jerk investors” than some people do. Obviously, this article is meant to be a joke and so don’t take it seriously, and if it burns, then remember the popular Malay idiom: siapa yang makan cili, dia yang rasa pedas
Without further ado, here goes: 5 Easy Step To Be A Smart Property Investor
Step 1: Use Your Budget As The De Facto Standard
Realize that your budget is the only budget that matters. You want to develop really strong opinions about how much a property should cost, whether it’s on the low side (if you’re selling) or the high side (if you’re buying). You should completely ignore how much the buyer or seller wants for the property, and should stubbornly stick to how much you think the property should cost no matter what.
Also, don’t limit your classification to property – also pigeon-hole people on either side of the pricing spectrum. If you don’t have a whole lot of money to invest, you can dismiss those people who buy upmarket properties in places like Damansara Heights, Bangsar and KLCC as elitist blowhards, but if you have got a ton of money and therefore are an elitist blowhard yourself, then you can just classify everyone else as having terrible taste as they can’t appreciate the fine views of the Twin Towers from your $25,000,000 Troika penthouse.
For bonus points, don’t forget to submit requests at GoodPlace’s DealMatcher service for“good buys at least 25% below market value”. Khai Yin must work his arse off and mati-matifind you those value deals, and being the altruistic person he is famous for, instead of buying those aforementioned value properties after finding them and pocketing the money himself, expect him to instead gladly let you profit handsomely from his hard work while his three kids eat Maggi mee for breakfast, lunch and dinner.
Step 2: Put Successful Investors At Their Place
Remember to put other investors at their place, especially if they are known to be “successful”. They probably don’t deserve their success which is over inflated anyway, and they will obviously going to lose all their money soon. You must take every chance to remind them of this fact, and also make fun of their stupid fans if they have got some.
Also, don’t just go after they shitloads of money they’ve made or the talent that they (do not) have, but also their motivation. So, when you tell them off, don’t just say, “you’re a no-talent hack”, but instead say “you’re a no-talent hack who is greedy and you have sold your soul for money.”
Step 3: Never Compliment Others
If you’re going to compliment other investors, they will automatically assume that you’re not as good as they are, and that would completely destroy your self-worth. Therefore, you must always stay aloof and never show any signs of being impressed by anyone – this will make others assume that you’re better than they are. For you guys who want to be douchierthan the douchiest jerk then wrap your compliment around unsolicited feedback or criticism, e.g
“That sounds like an awesome buy, and I’m glad that you’re taking action, considering how long you’ve been learning to be an investor”, or
“I heard you’ve made a little money from flipping a Mont Kiara condo. I’ve always known that you’ll make it somehow. Put more effort into it and you’ll make progress, I’m sure.”
Step 4: Remember That Your Investing Style Is “Right”
You want to cultivate the belief that your investing style is “right” and everyone else’s is wrong. For example, if you’re a flipper or you want to be a flipper, then flippers are the only property investors that matter, and those who buy and hold for the long term are just no-talent hacks, and you probably can’t refer to them as “investors”. On the other hand, if you’re the buy-and-hold kind then you’ll want to view flippers as soulless, short-sighted hustlers who are into get-rich-quick scams. Remember: there is absolutely no middle ground.
Also, not only you want to form opinion about the people on the other side, but you want to automatically assume that they can’t do what you do even if they want to. For example, people who buy for the long term can’t flip because they don’t have the cojones to take on big gambles. Conversely, flippers can’t buy and hold because their credit line is crap and no bank in the world is going to give them a loan. You get the idea.
Step 5: Be Competitive
Everything that you do in property, assume that people are competing with you. If your neighbour or a distant cousin buys a condo unit in KLCC, respond to that challenge by heading down to the same showroom and booking the penthouse or the most expensive or biggest unit they’ve got. Then, remember to take pictures and post them on Facebook to let everyone know that you won’t stand for one-uppance.
If you can bring yourself to a property workshop and listen to somebody teach, you can still be a jerk by dominating the talk by asking a ton of questions. Find ways to subconsciously let the instructor know that you should probably be teaching the workshop instead of him. Always separate yourself from other attendees in the talk; after all, they are the ones who need to be taught, not you.
When you talk property, be sure to speak the loudest and always insist on the final say. You want to discuss only with people you know to be less knowledgeable than you so that you can completely dominate them. You want to go out of your way to talk business with ignorant people you can embarrass. Better still, write a blog and force your opinion on the people who have the misfortune of stumbling upon your crap on the innerwebz.
Bonus Step 6: It’s All About You
Assume everything you read is about you. Just believe that the people who wrote anything was thinking of you specifically, and they did everything within their power to match your expectations exactly. You must complain whenever you think that they are falling short of your expectations, and threaten to stop reading if they don’t make the changes that you want, or if they don’t answer your questions promptly or provide you with the information that you have requested.
